My life has been quite hectic lately between Bears Of Hope, afternoon sports, book purchases, appointments and family commitments. But the one thing taking up alot of time in my thoughts, dreams and everyday life is where are we going to live?
The house that I have rented for 5 years, since I separated from my ex-husband, has gone up for sale. My security blanket has shifted and this has made me a little more anxious than my pregnancy. Waz, my fiance, and I had been hoping for another 12 months in this house, especially with the impending arrival of our baby next June however, right now, my living circumstances could go either way. And that makes me very nervous.
I don't do so well when I'm not in control of a situation. I had always been well organised, a perfectionist, a planner and like to think things through slowly and meticulously. I don't know how much time I have. I feel like I now need to take the bull by its horns, take control so that I'm not caught off guard when that sold sign goes up. But to build or buy is a decision taking its toll.
I used to be alot of things before I began losing my babies in 2001. Confident, independent, an over-achiever. Saying goodbye to each of my babies and living with depression stripped me bare. Thankfully over the past few years, and since meeting Waz in particular, I have begun to tap into the old Toni, rebuild my inner confident self and I am now blossoming. Those petals are as bright as they have ever been and my roots as strong as steel, which I'm sure will be the strength to face what ever comes my way.
The worry of where I am going to live has been an absolute torment with a tiring 4 hours of sleep a night. My anxiety is somewhat elevated. It's not something I had planned for or even wanted, whilst expecting this baby. But one thing I have learned in life is that you have to expect the unexpected and go with what you are presented with. Don't fight it. Everything happens for a reason.... and I know this doesn't sit with some people (it didn't when I had just lost each of my babies) But I am a strong believer of this now.
My life didn't turn out the way I planned it. A far cry from it. So I guess whilst my life is still unravelling, I should take control of what I can, face and create the best out of the fear and anxiety. Who knows what brighter future this will bring to my family. Who knows what I will learn out of plunging in and taking a chance. A risk taker I am not...but perhaps it's time to be.