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  • Toni

The Unknown

I have decided to blog the next chapter of my life, although i'm sure I will easily delve into my history along the way I will provide you with a bit more of an insight into my life as a mother, bereaved mother, author and co-founder of Bears Of Hope Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.

I am currently 9 wks and 3 days pregnant with my 9th precious baby. I've heard and felt alot of excitement and congratulations surrounding this little one already from close family and friends. However, I look at that number and so many emotions fill my heart and my soul.


I cry for my 7 babies who live in heaven, I hug and hold closer my beautiful and divine 7 year old, who I am absolutely and knowingly blessed to have, and I terrifyingly worry about this baby. I worry if this baby is developmentally "normal", I worry about the outcome of giving birth naturally or having another caesarian, and I worry about all the things that can go wrong right up until after birth.  Plain and simple, I worry if this baby is going to come home in my loving arms. I know too much...I see too much in this often cruel world. Will I be blessed with this ultimate gift?

Any parent who has ever lost a child will tell you what a true miracle it is to walk out of those hospital doors with a baby who is alive. Any parent who has ever lost a child will tell you that the safe arrival of a healthy baby is unknown.

We can only hope and pray that all goes to plan.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss with 6 babies stillborn every single day in Australia.


With these harrowing statistics and my torturous pregnancy history, it is the unknown life of this precious little baby, that I fear, because I have absolutely no control over this. All I can do is muster all the courage I can to address day by day and attempt to savour every moment I have with this darling little baby I have affectionately and currently named, The Blob.


I hope you enjoy reading my blogs and learning a little more about pregnancy after multiple losses. Over the next 6 1/2 months you will read about the rollercoaster ride of this rainbow pregnancy and hopefully I am still sane by the end of it

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