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Supporting children through literature after the loss of their sibling

Toni Watson 

Supporting children through literature after the loss of their sibling    


   

My Blog

The Highs and Lows

Posted by Toni on December 1, 2012 at 10:00 PM

It's taken me a week to sit down and write this new blog entry because of the rollercoaster ride I found myself  up and down on again.

Just one week ago, on Friday 23rd November, I was booked in for my nuchal scan. This was the first time I've been for this scan and I suppose because I am now 36, it is warranted. Waz and I drove down to New Lambton, anxiously.

I arrived with a painful bladder and a tad excitement anticipating the view of our baby, but it was more the nerves pounding my stomach and increasing my heart rate that were taking over this situation.

We were called in by the ultrasound technician who was really lovely asking questions that were simply answered, but then hitting me with the "what number baby is this?" 9 "How many do you have at home" ..........1. It hit like a tonne of bricks and I sucked it all in to try and persuade my tears not to fall. In that moment I yearned for my babies in heaven.

Our baby didn't move as she was scanning and taking images. It was all curled up and faced into the placenta but we could see it's strong little heart beat beating away (163bpm). I loved that sight and the sound of it. Music to my ears, reassuring me in that moment that our baby was doing well.. The technician, continued doing her measurements and checking out our baby quietly. We found out the placenta is sitting on the front of my uterus with this pregnancy. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl. (We are not going to find out).

The technician asked me to go and relieve my pain and come back for further scanning.  It sounds silly but in that moment I thought there must be something wrong. I went to the toilet thinking what am I going to walk back into that room to hear? However, our baby didn't seem to have much room to move and she wanted to get some really good photo's for us to keep. With an empty bladder, our baby moved around freely, which brought the biggest smiles to our faces and to our hearts.

Before we left the room, I caught the measurements of the fluid behind the neck . As soon as we got out into the waiting area to see the Dr for the results, I immediately googled the fluid measurements for Down Syndrome. I couldn't wait to hear from the Dr, so it was a relief to read up that we were in low risk.

We walked out of that appointment with photo's, video footage and a result that puts us in low risk for certain abnomalities. But most importantly, we walked out of that appointment with more excitement and hope in our hearts for this precious growing baby. For me, another milestone achieved that I can gratefully tick off.

So this was a wonderful result for 12 1/2 wks gestation. The lead up to such milestones is alway fraught with more worry for me because of not knowing the outcome, not knowing how I will react, worrying about what the future may hold.  Yes, I probably put myself through the wringer, but for me its treading cautiously trying to protect myself if something awful was to happen again. We can never prepare ourselves entirely for something awful, but I have been let down so many times I know not to go in expecting life will turn out exactly how i want it to.

Over the next few days I was on a high, despite reeling from all day  sickness. Nights are still my enemy.

On Monday 26th November I had a routine appointment organised with my Obstetrician. I was looking forward to sharing the results with my dr. This was the second time I have seen him and I automatically felt comfortable under his care, with my history. He listens, shows concern, and goes out of his way to make me feel reassured and confident. We have already planned that I will be having a c-section at 39 wks because of the high risk of uterine rupture. I hated the recovery of a c-section with Isabella but I will do anything to bring a baby safe into this world.

He popped me up onto the bed and started searching for the heartbeat with a doppler. I had no idea he was going to do this. I know very little about how soon you can hear a heartbeat with these devices, however 10min later he is still searching for it amongst the beat of my own.

I was intently watching my dr's face for anything that may suggest he's found it or worse, that he's worried. I got nothing. He looked relaxed which I tried to replicate my thoughts with. I couldn't look at Waz without mustering all the courage I had as to not let him know I was panicking (thank goodness he was with me!) and kept saying to myself it was only a few days earlier that our baby  was ok. It still has to be!

My OB wasn't having any luck. By then I was starting to feel sick. He organised for us to meet him at the hospital in half an hour (go home and drink lots of water). I got home and burst into tears. What if it wasn't ok? What if our baby had died?

I couldn't get down there and onto the machine soon enough. The screen wasn't in view so I watched Waz's face as he began to scan me. My OB turned the machine and showed me my baby with its little heart beating away. The relief that swept over me was strengthening and gave me that little more hope I needed in my day. Needless to say i informed by OB I didn't want him to use that doppler again for quite some time!

I am now 13 wks 4days into my pregnancy. It has been an awful first trimester with all day sickness and just feeling yuck and tired for the most part. It's been worse than I experienced with my twins and Isabella but I feel I am just older now and don't cope aswell.  All wonderful signs too! I feel like I have hibernated away from the world. I am so looking forward (and hopefully the day arrives) to when this nauseousness disappears so that I can start enjoying food again, so that I can make a decision on what I want for dinner that won't come back up again.

But that is enough of my rant about morning sickness. I just hope I can start enjoying this pregnancy at some point, but realistically the ups and downs of it probably won't allow me to, as I still have a few more milestones to get through to bring this beautiful baby home in my arms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: My 9th Baby

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2 Comments

Reply Toni
8:39 PM on December 16, 2012 
Heartbroken says...
Aww congratulations on the heartbeat of your little bubs. It brought tears to my eyes, thinking about how difficult it has been for me to cope with loss, let alone 9 pregnancies for you. I hope your baby keeps going on strong. I like to think of morning sickness as a sign that all things are good with the bubs. Maybe that is why I have never had morning sickness, I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies.


Hi Heartbroken, thankyou for your congrats. I'm truly sorry to hear you too have endured the loss of your babies. Our hearts are forever broken. I experienced morning sickness with a couple of my earlier losses too so I guess there are just no guarantees. All we can do is feel blessed we are pregnant and make the most of the time we have with our babies/children whether it be a few short weeks or the rest of our lives. I hope you are wrapped in lots of support through your healing journey. xx
Reply Heartbroken
7:24 PM on December 13, 2012 
Aww congratulations on the heartbeat of your little bubs. It brought tears to my eyes, thinking about how difficult it has been for me to cope with loss, let alone 9 pregnancies for you. I hope your baby keeps going on strong. I like to think of morning sickness as a sign that all things are good with the bubs. Maybe that is why I have never had morning sickness, I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies.
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